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The Truth About Ben

You think my about page is the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Great gems from

  • If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Ben would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
  • We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, “Please don’t kill me.” Too bad Ben doesn’t believe in magic.
  • Ben’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Ben.
  • Mr. T once defeated Ben in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Ben invented racism.
  • Ben doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
  • Ben is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
  • Ben can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
  • Ben got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Ben for every answer.
  • Ben doesn’t have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
  • Ben uses a night light. Not because Ben is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Ben.
  • Ben knows the last digit of pi.
  • When Ben goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
  • Once a cobra bit Ben’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  • Ben invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • It is scientifically impossible for Ben to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
  • M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Ben can touch this.
  • When Arnold says the line “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator movie it is implied that he is going to ask Ben for help.
  • Ben destroyed the periodic table, because Ben only recognizes the element of surprise.
  • The saddest moment for children is not when they learn Santa Claus isn’t real, it’s when they learns Ben is.
  • The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Ben.
  • Ben can delete the Recycling Bin.

And of course, the best

Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Ben.”

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